katatonic

So, one of my lifelong dreams has been to have a tattoo.  My father has a parrot on his arm and from a young age I was fascinated by it and wanted ink of my own.  I keep putting it off, though.  At first, because I wanted to do it right and go to a good artist, which meant having money of my own, which meant adulthood.  Then I put on weight, and for 15 years I’ve been putting it off because “I’ll lose it.”  Well, that day will come, but I’m not going to wait any longer.  There’s no reason I can’t get the tattoo now… I’m just letting my weight hold me back, which is a habit I am going to break.

Today I took the first step and saw the artist I had selected.  It’s from a shop that is nearby (good) and comes highly recommended (good) and is nice and clean and modern (excellent).  The guy I met with was awesome - made me feel totally comfortable, got excited about the idea, had suggestions I loved.  It’s a good match.  He won’t be available until November so I have time to firm up a bit, save some $$, and dream about how awesome this is gonna be. 

In other news, I decided to try on the pants I wore before I gained this most recent weight.  They were so small I couldn’t even get them up over my stomach.  I was depressed, and I thought “why did I let this happen?”  I didn’t spend much time there… I thought, “Well, it has happened… and I’m doing something about it.”  That was a very good feeling.  I hung them up again, and I’ll try them on in another month.  I hope I’ll be able to pull them up at least.  One of these months, I’ll button and zip them and my ass will once again be encased in hotness for all to admire.  >:)

The tattoo is inspiring me to make changes.  I will dig out my exercise program (a PlayStation 2 proggie) and start that again… get my body moving, get the energy flowing.  I am still swimming and riding bikes, but this will give me the cardio fitness I need and the muscle workout.  I want my shoulders looking firmer when I go in this November.  Wheeee!

So, been doing this simplified diet for a couple of weeks now, even through a summer cold, which is pretty amazing to me.  I guess I just hit rock bottom and needed to make changes.  That’s finally what lit the fire under my ass, so to speak.

I’m not one to notice changes… I have body dysmorphia where I don’t think I’m as big as I am so I am constantly surprised to see this fat chick in the mirror, and thus don’t see the changes.  But this time I’ve been trying to notice what’s been going on, not necessarily just in terms of shrinking, but everything else.  Here’s what I have so far:

• My fingers aren’t so puffy/fat… my rings fit again!  I can see veins in my hands!
• My skin is in better shape… more glowy, less dry, less red/blotchy
• My face is definitely thinner!  Even I can see how much less puffy it is.  My eyes are more prominent, too.  My husband keeps commenting on my beautiful eyes, and I know he notices it too… you can see their almond shape now that they aren’t as squinched up with puffy cheeks.  They also dominate more of my face, now that it is thinner.  There’s a certain eyes-to-face ratio that looks good on me and I’m definitely right on the cusp of “awesome.”
• My shirts and bras fit better, which means less back fat… I keep forgetting this is the first place I lose weight.
• I see my boobs when I look down, not my boobs and stomach. 
• My feet lost their puffiness too… all over, inflammation is reducing
• My skin is more clear (less red blotchiness, tighter pores)
• My nails are growing again! Yay!
• I’m more flexible… I think because I’ve lost a lot of puffiness, and my joints are more limber.

It’s wonderful to see all these positive changes.  I still haven’t lost a dress size yet, and I notice these things! 

Tonight we had the first sugar we’ve had in 2 weeks.  We were checking out the health food store in town and they had soy ice cream, which intrigued my husband, who can’t digest dairy very well.  So we got the Toffuti Cuties (ice cream sandwiches) for him and a caramel vanilla ice cream for me, in the pint size.  Now, pint size for me previously was pretty much a “single serving” type of deal.  It didn’t matter if I just ate an hour ago, I’d polish that thing off no problem.  We sat down to watch a movie and eat the ice cream and the first bite was like an explosion of taste!  It was so sweet, I was amazed.  So I immediately slowed down, and savored it, enjoying the caramel thrill of it.  I could barely get through 1/4 of that pint before I was done and had to put it away.  The amazing part is that I haven’t thought about it until just now, for this entry.  It’s been half a day and a dinner meal since that point. 

That sort of relationship to food is something I never thought I’d regain.  Snacks that I savor and then move on from… what a strange idea.  Even my husband, who might normally have polished off a box of those sandwich tofuttis, only had one.  He was surprised he didn’t want to go back for more. 

My appetite has reduced dramatically.  Typical dinner might have been two to three pieces of chicken, potatoes, and vege followed by dessert.  Now I can barely eat a single chicken breast… the last whole chicken I baked lasted through 3 meals for both of us…. that’s almost unheard of.  We actually have breast meat left for one person after all that, too.  We’re having to re-think our use of a whole bird, since it could potentially go bad before we’re done with it if we don’t eat it for every meal.  Perhaps the breast meat would need to be used for a soup that we could freeze in portions for later meals, or something like that. 

All good, positive changes.  I need to get them down for posterity, and so I do not forget how different I feel now.

The cold held on for four days, and the congestion and bad sleep is lingering for much longer… I keep coughing like I have asthma, and I still can’t breathe through my nose at night.  It’s so frustrating, and demoralizing.  Sleep has been terrible.

On a more positive note, I’ve stuck with the diet!  It was mildly tempting to cheat and get convenience food instead of cooking, but I stuck it out.  I began taking vitamins this week, so I am hoping to see some benefits there in the next couple of weeks.  Getting up to speed with vitamins, for me, helps everything.  I am chronically anemic, so making sure my iron is up helps my body stop trying to suck every ounce of iron out of every molecule of food I eat, and thus storing too much of it as fat. 

I think I’m losing weight… my bras fit better, my pants are looser, and I am more flexible.  I feel generally better, and I’ve been more interested in sex lately, which means I am feeling better about my self-image.  It’s slow progress… baby steps each day, but it’s better than going the OTHER direction. 

OK, just a short check in… not much new other than vitamins and complaining about summer colds.  LOL. 

That allergic reaction I thought I had on Thursday turned into a 5-alarm head cold.  I haven’t been sick with thecommon cod in about five years.  No kidding.  I have had strep throat and the flu once or twice, but not the cold.  It’s depressing, and it’s bad timing! 

When I’m sick I usually turn immediately to comfort foods, but I am determined to make this work.  Husband made me a soup with organic chicken broth and ground turkey that is excellent… I’ve been eating mostly that, because I find it difficult to eat or drink when I am sick, especially if I lose all sense of taste.  But, it’s essential that I do so my body can fight this off. 

Aside from that, I managed rice and beans last night.  The cilantro in it helped my sinuses.  And, I’ve been drinking hot brewed tea so I’ve been staying hydrated.  I bought DayQuil and NyQuil, which are my only concessions to sugared substances (I assume they are, since the label doesn’t say).

I hate head colds.  Hate them.  I hate not being able to breathe through my nose… it’s so disturbing.  Keeping my jaw open all the time has caused muscle ache in that area, and I keep unconsciously clothing my mouth and cutting off the oxygen.  Sleep?  HA!  More like fitful dozes, which I catch as much as possible throughout the day.  And the throat pain is not fun either.  I can’t decide which I hate more… throat pain or sinus blockage. 

But, I am proud that both of us are sticking to our dietary guns through this.  We’re just a week out, and it would be so easy to just let things slide.  I’m glad we aren’t. 

I don’t know that I will have time to post tonight, so I am doing it now. 

Day Four started off well, but then I made the mistake of having two hard boiled eggs for breakfast… I’m getting used to my carb-friendly power breakfast, I think, and did not enjoy the heavy feeling the protein gave me.  Back to oatmeal and cereal, I think.  I was full right up until lunch, but I like the lighter, more alert feeling of carbs in the morning.

I am having either an allergic reaction or a cold, I can’t tell which.  My nose stuffed up and my throat is swollen and painful.  I really really hope it isn’t a cold… I can’t think of who might have given it to me, as I’ve been kind of anti-social this week and haven’t really seen anyone!

Lunch was leftover chicken and cous cous with vegetables.  I told Husband the proportions I wanted and he was amazed… so much less than “usual.”  I was amazed, too.  I’m following the “fist” method of portion sizes - no more than the size of your fist on each part of your meal, excepting vegetables.  It didn’t look like much, but I think my stomach is already shrinking, because it was plenty.  Of course, I am eating a lot more between meals now, so the idea that I could come back in an hour and have grapes if I wanted helped me avoid the “omigodineedtoeatasmuchasican” reaction. 

It’s amazing how far I have come since last week… I was at rock bottom, bemoaning my lack of motivation and thinking I’d just be fat and unhealthy forever, and why bother?  Now, I have hope again.  This is a good thing.

Skipped a day of posting… yesterday was strangely busy. 

So, day three is done and how do I feel?  Well, no more headaches… that’s good.  But, body aches today.  Husband, too.  We both feel kinda sluggish.  But, last night I had a long soak in the tub and scrubbed my skin with a salt scrub and hoo boy did I feel better afterwards.  It’s like I could feel the warm water drawing out all those toxins!  Today we both had some lower abdominal pain, which I’m sure is due to the fiber we’ve been eating… it’s going through and cleaning out the rafters, so to speak… in a couple of days we’ll be feeling good again.

Tonight for dinner I roasted an organic chicken, rubbed down with olive oil and garlic.  I have been a fan of organic/free range for a few years now, and love the fact that the meat tastes so good with so little culinary effort.  But, wow, it tasted better than ever today!  I think our tastebuds are adapting to the change in diet… things just seem to taste better and have a better mouth feel and texture, even.   Husband has noticed it, too. 

I have had cravings… so far, hefting the dumbbell is working nicely, but today I wanted some ice cream after Husband let it slip that he was craving it (we had agreed not to broadcast our cravings unless we just couldn’t get rid of it).  So, I got up and went for a little walk and de-stressed from work a bit (I work at home).  That helped.  I still need to think up some fun, quick rewards for times like those.

The chicken should last us for a while… I had a wing and 1/2 a breast and he had a leg and thigh, so we have a lot more left for lunch and dinner tomorrow.  I think I’ll cook some brown rice and beans tomorrow and serve that with some chicken breast.  I’ve also been freezing up rice for future quick meals… I have a rice cooker and can cook it pretty fast, but having it ready made helps me stave off those “oh lets just get fast food” moments!

Woah, what a great day, and also kinda crappy.  Great, because I ate really well!  Crappy, cos I feel like someone beat me with a Nerf bat.  Dang!  Everything hurts just a little, like it can’t decide if it should just go ahead and cramp up already or maybe leave me alone… no, my muscles are performing some sort of middle-ground ache that is more frustrating than painful.  lol

My proudest moment was when we left after work to run errands… I thought I had eaten enough for snack (grapes, banana) but clearly I had not, because a little physical activity and I was ravenous.  We both were.  It would have been so easy to just say “ugh, let’s get some fast food today and start again tomorrow” but we instead ended our Costco trip with the purchase of a vege tray and some shrimp dim sum, which we ate in the car with the chopsticks I’d just purchased at the errand before.   I felt good, munching down the goodies… not just because it quelled my hunger and fuzzy-headed feeling, but because I didn’t give in.  I didn’t give in!

Both of us felt very good about ourselves.  I wanted a soda, and hubby wanted a candybar, but instead I bought us a bouquet of lovely flowers, which we both enjoy.  I arranged them at home while he put away groceries and then we smelled them and oohed and ahhed over them a while, and generally forgot about our assorted cravings.  It was good, and even though I already have a splitting headache that won’t go away, I’m looking forward to Day 2.  One day at a time.

Even though no one ever comments, I enjoy posting.  Perhaps this will just be my own personal journal. 

So yesterday husband and I sat down and discussed doing a simple cleanse (see previous post).  I’ve done it once before, so I have an idea of what we could expect, especially given the extremely bad way we’ve been eating lately.  I told him the first week we could expect to feel weak, have some runny stool, and smell more than usual, and that it was a good thing.  He sort of looked at me like he thought I might be losing my marbles.  I had to explain about how flushing toxins looks (and smells) bad, but oh man do you feel good when it’s all done.

I think we’re both excited.  He has been wanting to make changes, and support me with the changes I’ve been wanting to make, so I think it’s a win-win for him.  He is a little scared of being without sweets… it sounds strange to say it like that, but they are like a security blanket for him at this point… every night, he sits down to play on the computer with a candy bar and a soda… breaking that habit is going to be difficult, but we’re pretty determined and I think will power will get us through the first week… after that, it will be easier.

Today for breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs
Lunch: rice, broiled salmon, avocado and a soy sauce/wasabi/vinegar dressing.  Mix it all together… mmmm

I don’t normally enjoy cooking, but I’ve realized that to make this work, I’m going to have to.   What we had for lunch is pretty easy to make, and that’s the sort of thing we’ll be eating for the next month, so it’s a good start.

In terms of stress and cravings, I’ve decided to keep my 12 lb dumbbell by my desk at work, and when I get a craving, I’m doing 10 reps on each arm lifting above my head, and 10 curls.  I love weight lifting/training, so I think this will give me the endorphin/seratonin boost I need.  Already today I’ve done it once, and it really did the trick.  I hope it sustains me, because I do not want that soda I am craving right now, and I do not want the ice cream I am almost certain to crave later on. 

In a nutshell: I haven’t started, and efforts to gradually introduce changes have gone by the wayside, too.

I should be drinking more water, taking vitamins, and trying to change basic bad eating habits like wolfing down my food.  This was where I had planned to start, anyway.  But, I can’t seem to get motivated.  I do okay for about 24 hours, then the next day I wake-up and my slug-o-meter gets reset and I’m back to doing nothing. 

 I did spend time working on a simple foods cleanse diet… I feel so unfocused and sluggish lately.  Perhaps a 2-3 week cleanse will do me some good.  This is one I did after having to eat a lot of red meat prior to a major surgery four years ago, and it really helped me get back on track… of course, at that time I was highly motivated and now I am not as confident, but I am going to make a go of it. 

Meal Items:
Rice & beans
Baked Chicken (skinless)
Soup (miso, tomato, squash puree)
Salmon, rice, avocado bowl
Poached/steamed fish
Rice & Ground Turkey

Breakfast:
Oatmeal
Toast with Peanut Butter
Scrambled Eggs

Beverages:
Water (lemon optional)
Brewed Mint Green Tea (hot and iced)
Fresh squeezed juice

Miscellaneous:
Veges with all meals
Fruit between meals
Hard-boiled Eggs for snacking

Supplements:
Fibre Drink (once daily)
Vitamins & Aspirin Regimen (after week 1)

It sorta sounds macrobiotic, unless you consider the eggs, fish and poultry.  :)  Basically, this diet is more about what I am trying to avoid: diary, starches, cane and artificial sugars, red meat and pork, and invasive cooking procedures.  It’s designed to drastically reduce the toxin load on the liver and hopefully get it functioning at peak efficiency again.

At minimum, I would like to stay on this diet for 2 weeks.  Ideally, I would like to do it for an entire month, then slowly start introducing other items back into our diet such as whole grain bread and pork.  I still do not eat beef, mostly because I can no longer stand the taste/mouth feel.

Target date for start: Monday… this will give me the weekend to clean out my pantry and go shopping, and also avoids the large Father’s Day brunch my family has planned, which will include waffles, fruit compote, sausage, and all manner of things that are not allowed during the cleanse. 

One thing I really hate about myself is the way I wolf down food.  What is with that?  I sit down to food and whether I am really hungry or not, I start stuffing it into my face the way my hamster would pack in food.  Sometimes it’s so mechanical that I end up having to laboriously chew it down.  I usually allow myself an hour for lunch and dinner, but for whatever reason it’s like a race to pack it in just in case something happens, like suddenly everyone in the world gets their mouth sewn shut and we can only live off of what we have in our mouth right now.

I didn’t used to eat that way… and honestly my life isn’t THAT busy.  But, I always feel like I’m in a hurry, like I don’t have enough time.  I wonder why? 

I’m seriously thinking about a life coach.  It sounds crazy, but I’m sorely tempted.  I don’t know anyone who has used a life coach or even looked into it, though, and I hate trying things that I can’t at least get a second-hand account about.  (grin)  I’m not very good at arranging my own life… I wouldn’t say I am lazy, just unfocused and not driven.  There really isn’t anything I feel too passionate about.  Let’s make a list of the things (besides junk food) that turn me on:

1. Flower Arranging
2. Movies

Yep, that’s where I’m at.  Everything else is sorta “eh” for me.  I have had issues with this in the past, so I went to therapy, discovered I have a mom complex, realized I don’t know how to fix it, accepted that mom is dead so can’t talk to her, and thus I am back to square one, only now sans therapist, who got tired of me not wanting to talk incessantly about my childhood with an overbearing mother.   (I just don’t know what else I can do… I have acknowledged the overbearing part, but it’s not like it fixes things.)

So, back on course after veering way off… any advice for a serial wolfer?